Ask Kate: What Can I Do When My 5-Year-Old’s Outbursts Are So Long and Loud?

This week’s Ask Kate comes from a grandmother raising her 5-year-old granddaughter. Like many caregivers, she’s doing her best, but feels overwhelmed by explosive outbursts and is desperate for guidance.

“She screams. She kicks. She refuses food. She has meltdowns in public and outbursts at home. We’ve tried timers, consequences, behavior charts, and clear routines… and still, it feels like nothing is working.”

Sound familiar?

You are not alone.

Whether you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, or caregiver, when a child’s behavior feels “bigger than expected,” it can leave you exhausted, confused, and questioning everything.

Let’s walk through what’s happening—and what can help.

First: This Isn’t About You Doing Something Wrong

Behavior is communication.
When a young child screams, hits, melts down, or refuses, they’re not being “bad” or manipulative. They’re telling you:

“I don’t have the skills to handle what I’m feeling.”

And often, those overwhelming feelings are tied to:

• Underlying anxiety or trauma

• Sensory processing sensitivities

• Difficulty with transitions

• Feeling out of control

Emotional Regulation Begins With Co-Regulation

You may have heard that “kids need to learn to self-regulate.” But here’s the truth:

Children can’t self-regulate until they’ve been consistently co-regulated.

Co-regulation means the child borrows your calm to feel safe. When a child is in full meltdown mode, their nervous system shifts into a state of survival—fight, flight, or freeze. Their brain can’t access reasoning, memory, or language.

What they need most in that moment is a grounded, nonjudgmental adult who can stay calm for them, even if they can’t yet be calm themselves.

What co-regulation looks like:

• “I’m right here. You’re safe.”

• Sitting nearby with open body language

• Matching their breathing with slow, steady breaths

• Offering a hand, fidget, or blanket (if welcomed)

What it isn’t:

• Explaining what they did wrong

• Telling them to “calm down”

• Punishing the behavior mid-meltdown

When Words Don’t Work

During dysregulation, the brain is typically unable to process language.

Continued talking—even if it’s calm and kind—can feel like more sensory input to an already overwhelmed system. It may increase distress rather than reduce it.

Instead, focus on presence over instruction.
Use fewer words, adopt a slower pace, and employ supportive body language.

After the Storm: The Power of Waiting

The return to regulation takes time.
Sometimes, a lot of time.

This is where many adults start to question themselves or the child—but this pause is a crucial part of the healing process.

💡 The child’s nervous system needs many, many matching experiences of safety before it can build new pathways for handling emotional overwhelm.

During this waiting period:

• Prioritize safety: make sure no one is getting hurt

• Offer a cushioned space for the child to release safely if needed

• Let them know you’re staying, even if they’re not ready to connect

And afterward? Don’t expect an explanation.

Most children:

• Can tell you what happened (“I hit the table”)

• But cannot tell you why it happened

• And may not remember it at all

That’s not defiance—it’s protection.
It’s the brain doing its job to survive.

Tools That Can Help With Explosive Outbursts

These tools support co-regulation, predictability, and emotional literacy over time:

1. Visual Schedules

Kids feel safer when they know what’s coming next.

Some children benefit from seeing the whole day, while others do better with just the next 2–3 steps. Start with a full-day layout, and if it becomes overwhelming, scale back to something like:

🛏 Wake up → 🍽 Eat breakfast → 🎒 Pack backpack

Use real photos or icons, and walk through it together.

🔗 Get free visual schedule printables here »

2. First/Then Language

“First, we clean up. Then, we play outside.”

This simple structure supports transitions and reduces power struggles by providing predictability and clarity.

3. Emotion + Need Cards

Kids often don’t have the words for what they feel—or what they need. Cue cards help bridge that gap:

“I feel mad. I need a break.”

(Printable version coming soon in the Little Dragon Calm-Down Toolkit!)

4. Calm-Down Spaces

Instead of traditional time-outs, create a cozy, safe space for the child to retreat to when overwhelmed.

This might include:

• Pillows, weighted blankets, or soft lights

• Fidgets or chewables

• A name they help choose, such as “Cozy Corner” or “Dragon Den”

Let the child know:

“This is a place to feel safe—not a punishment.”

In Summary: This Work Is Slow. And Sacred.

If you’re raising a child with long, loud, overwhelming outbursts… you’re not alone.

You’re doing incredibly hard, heart-heavy work.
You’re showing up again and again—even when it feels like nothing is changing.

But here’s what’s true:

Every moment of calm you offer…
Every meltdown you stay with…
Every time you choose connection over correction…
…reshapes a child’s brain to expect safety instead of threat.

And that is the deepest work of all.

📬 Want to Ask Kate?

Do you have a question about parenting, regulation, healing, or neurodiversity?
Submit it here, and it may be featured in a future post.

✨ And if you’d like free visual tools to support your child’s regulation, download them anytime at
👉 www.katepowerscreates.com/free-resource-library