Ask Kate: How Can I Support My Smart but Struggling 7-Year-Old at School?
Excerpt:
When a child is both gifted and struggling, school can feel like a constant mismatch. A 7-year-old who taught himself the Russian alphabet at 2 may thrive on puzzles and advanced math at home, yet be seen as “defiant” or “refusing work” in class. For twice-exceptional kids, behavior is often communication — a signal of boredom, overwhelm, or sensory overload. In this Ask Kate, I share insights as a mom and special education teacher on why gifted children may struggle with social pragmatics, how uneven skills drive frustration, and what parents and teachers can do to make school days happier and more supportive.
Question:
“My son is 7. He’s been diagnosed with a developmental delay and receives speech and OT services at school. At home, he taught himself the Russian alphabet at age 2, learned to read on his own, and now solves Rubik’s cubes and loves math. His teachers agree he’s brilliant, but at school, he’s often seen as having behavior issues: negative self-talk, running around the room, throwing pencils, and refusing work.
At home, things aren’t as challenging — I think he’s bored. He’s an only child, prefers adult attention, and often wants to learn things most kids his age aren’t interested in. I want his school days to be happy, and for people to see the good in him. But I feel defeated and don’t know what to do.”
Answer:
First, this information is not diagnostic. I am not a clinician. I can share my experience as both a special education teacher and a mom who has raised neurodivergent kids with their own mix of genius, delays, and regulation challenges.
What you’re describing often fits into what’s called a twice-exceptional profile (2e): a child who shows advanced learning in some areas while also needing support in others.
Here’s what I’ve seen — and lived — with children like this:
Self-Directed Learners Start Early
A child who teaches themselves to read or learns the Russian alphabet at the age of 2 is pursuing knowledge that feels natural and rewarding. But what’s easy and fascinating at home doesn’t always line up with what’s prioritized in school. When a task feels irrelevant (“Why practice phonics if I can already read?”) or overwhelming (“Why write when it feels so hard?”), behaviors show up.
The “Why” Matters Deeply
Self-directed learners need an apparent reason for learning something they don’t find meaningful. Without the why, frustration builds. At home, it’s easier to accommodate their interests; in public school, the mismatch is much greater.
Social Pragmatics Are Harder With Peers
Many children like this prefer adults because adults are more forgiving when a child misses invisible social rules. If a 7-year-old starts talking about the Russian alphabet, an adult can redirect or engage with curiosity. Peers don’t have that capacity — they may just walk away or say “huh?” This mismatch makes peer interactions feel less rewarding, while adult interactions feel safer and more successful.
Intelligence Is Not Global
It’s a mistake to assume “smart everywhere.” One of my children read at a 12th-grade level by age 12, but could only write at a 2nd or 3rd-grade level. A 40-point gap between comprehension and written expression explained his outbursts far more than any “behavior label” ever did. Without testing, I would never have understood how to advocate for him.
Sensory Differences Often Drive Behavior
For many neurodivergent kids, day-to-day life feels like being stuck at a rock concert you didn’t choose: sounds too loud, lights too bright, touch too intense, smells too strong. Add in tasks that either feel meaningless or impossibly hard, and the result looks like refusal, meltdowns, or “defiance.”
What This Means for You
Partner with Teachers: Frame behavior as communication, not defiance. Share what helps at home.
Ask About Social Pragmatics: These can be explicitly taught. Your child may need structured guidance to navigate peer interactions.
Watch for Skill Gaps: High ability in one area doesn’t erase struggles in another. Testing can make those gaps visible.
Reframe Strengths and Needs Together: Celebrate his passions while also acknowledging the areas where he needs support.
Most importantly: your son isn’t “bad.” He’s curious, sensitive, brilliant — and still learning how to navigate a world full of rules and noise. With support, his strengths can shine as brightly at school as they do at home.
👉 To start, join the free Resource Library for visuals and strategies that help kids express what they feel and need.